It’s been a bit, training got a little tumultuous. I had to go on a work trip, came back, training got rough again. My legs have been fighting me this year for really no reason and I decided it would be best to just take it easy for a while. I’m happy to say they’re pretty much back to normal now and the running is going great!

Unfortunately last week life did what it does and kinda just said “on second thought, nah dude you’re not doing that”. My work situation at the moment is kind of particular and weird, and it came down that I’d be going on another trip starting almost exactly when the race does and uh… I only handled it with just enough grace to not get in serious waters, but it was a moment where I had to at least try to salvage the opportunity. Any illusions that may have existed of me being the ultimate employee went out the window that day and I kinda reaaaallly don’t care.

So, the race is off. Taken down by a high degree of disorganization, last minute task appointments, and a degree of stale, typical, predictable and unoriginal boss bravado. If it’s something I could quit on the spot, I would have. But it’s not.

I keep my life simple and I’ve simplified it considerably more lately, not all of that by choice but mostly it is. I don’t have any subscriptions, I don’t really buy trinkets and doodads anymore, I don’t have my own place. If I’m not out running or hiking or whatever I’m kinda just at my desk listening to music and doodling or doing some other kind of digital media stuff. My most responsible aspiration is to finish out my education, a degree plan of which people look at me sideways about because it’s not going to make me rich. Plans like this race aren’t just important, they’re everything to me so it definitely sucks when it falls through.

But A: There’s a hurricane of worse things going on in the world right now, and B: There’s other things out there, so I guess I’ll be doing other things.

Oddly enough, the night before I went into work where I got the bad news I was having a really awful night. I couldn’t sleep, I had this build up of dread and existential horror just wondering what I’m doing anymore, where my life went, where it could go, why I don’t feel remotely like the same person I used to be, how – in general – I just don’t really feel joy anymore. Acknowledging this knowing I used to feel a lot all the time, how I’d get turbocharged with excitement at concepts and prospects and how that’s just gone now just doesn’t sit well with me. I won’t accept it, and as I started to be a little more productive about the feelings I heard a few really good songs that brought my old feelings back to some degree, so I stayed up all night listening to them and just set my thoughts back in order.

After that day at work I texted a friend, and pretty much told her I’m done doing all this. I understand the importance of certain obligations in life and I generally don’t skirt them, but I dunno. When I started all this with my first PCT hike I did it with a certain attitude of like “Hey, I am doing this”, and now I just feel scared for a variety of ultimately nonspecific reasons, and I’m tired of feeling that way. If there’s no race, there’s plenty of wilderness to hike through out there. Hopefully once it’s go time my drawing skills will have matured enough to do some serious sketching of All The Things to kinda give this whole blog thing a bit more variety.

I have a tentative plan I can do pretty much whenever but it involves me having to drive the length of it to set out water/food caches which sounds really lame because I’d see all the good views, drive back home, and walk back out to see the same things. But it could also still be fun, and I’m also in dire need of getting back out because I feel like my brain is going to explode from the last however many years of feeling like I was trapped in some kind of freako side adventure in the entirely wrong reality surrounded by people I genuinely could not connect with or trust. The route is all mapped out, I think the only proper thing to do is to just go for it. It’s a ~100 mile thing that I might do an out and back thing on to double the distance, it’s these little details I still haven’t planned out and frankly I’m glad I didn’t just dash out when I could because a snowstorm just blew through the other day. Beyond that, there’s the Colorado Trail, Arizona Trail, bits of the Utah Mountain Route I put together all those years ago. I have the summer to figure it out and hike my heart away.

If I have anything to say in general in hindsight from all these years as I’m feeling all nostalgic and a little morose, it’s that if you find something that works for you and makes you feel at home in the world, something that inspires you and makes you feel alive: keep it close until something better comes along. As much as I’m a fan of the thought of not clinging to things, you know when you’re on the right path.